The question:
Even though my mom always tries to be close to me, to connect with me, whenever we go out I don’t want to be seen with her — I especially don’t want her meeting my friends. One time we went to a doctor’s appointment together, and she suggested we grab a meal afterward. I refused outright, but she pulled into a restaurant anyway. While we were eating, I don’t know why, but looking at my own coldness toward her, I suddenly felt so much pity for her that tears just started falling — yet I’ve never once felt comfortable being out with her like that.
There are times I raise my voice and argue back at her, but right after, instead of feeling satisfied, I feel this twisting ache of guilt on her behalf. I just want her to stay safely inside the walls of our family, protected — I’m terrified of anyone out there hurting her, so I don’t want her mixing with anyone from my own world outside.
I’m only 17, and I honestly can’t make sense of what I’m feeling. Can anyone help me understand what this is?
The answer:
Hi there — at 17, this feeling really is confusing. Some days you catch yourself being cold, distant with your mom — someone you love. Other days you feel regret, even guilt, for having those thoughts at all.
So what is this feeling, really? It’s love and resentment, existing in the same person, at the same time.
Your mother gave birth to you, raised you, fed you, watched over your sleep, protected you. Your love for her grew naturally out of that process. You know she loves you — which is exactly why, looking back at your own coldness, you feel regret and pity for her. You love her, which is why guilt follows every time you raise your voice at her. You love her, which is why you can’t stand the thought of anyone hurting her.
But you’re also angry at her. She’s someone who gets hurt easily — and who, just as easily, unloads her anger onto you. In moments when she loses her composure, she’s gotten angry, controlling, has raised her voice, hurt you in ways you weren’t allowed to react to. Those were the times you wanted to cry but had to swallow it, wanted to speak but had to stay silent. The anger got pushed inward instead. Day after day, it built up, growing heavier. Anger is an emotion meant for enemies. Once it crosses a certain threshold, you no longer want to connect with her, no longer want to be close. You stop feeling proud to introduce her to people in your life — because she’s also the one who’s caused you pain.
When love rises up, you want good things for her. When anger rises up, you argue, pull away, disconnect.
Once you understand this, stop blaming yourself. Both are simply reactions — two opposing emotions existing at once.
Your mother is also someone who carries her own wounds, which is why she often falls into a state of insecurity. In those moments, she’s more prone to anger, to losing control — to saying things or acting in ways that hurt you. When that happens, don’t take those words to heart. Understand that in that moment, emotion and survival instinct had taken over, clouding her reasoning — that’s what made her say those things, or act with excessive control. It wasn’t an objective judgment or a thoughtful reflection of who you are. Don’t let words from someone who’s lost control of their emotions define your worth.
So, forgive yourself. The distance, the coldness, the moments of disconnecting from her — none of it means you’re a bad person. It’s simply the reaction of anger that’s been suppressed for too long, anger even you can’t fully control.
You don’t have to choose between loving her and resenting her. Both are real, and both exist at the same time. What you need isn’t to extinguish the anger — it’s to let yourself see it, feel it, so it stops quietly steering your behavior from the shadows.
Once you understand what’s really happening inside you, you’ll stop blaming yourself after every cold moment, every argument — and instead, you can slowly learn to care for both parts of yourself: the part that loves and wants to protect your mother, and the wounded part of you that still needs healing.
If you’d like to understand more deeply how these emotions actually work — and how to master them instead of being swept away by them — you can check out the book Demystifying Anxiety, Fear and Anger.
Don’t forget to subscribe to follow the Demystifying Psychology series, where you’ll learn how emotions really work and how to master them with practical, real-world methods.